Non-PC question
Hi ladies,
I feel guilty even writting about this but I am having an issue and I am wondering if this is normal at all. i would never mention this on Boston.com because i can imagine what people would say. I love my fiance very much and he is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. My FI he makes me very happy and I feel very secure with him.
What I don't understand is that I have been having all these dreams about my exs/past crushed, especially this guy that I was in love with in high school. We were co-workers and friends (even though I was secretly in love with him) but things ended very badly where he freaked out when our friendship turned physical and he sabotaged things between us. I have had dreams about him over the years since our relationship ended, mostly about wanting closure with him. I contacted this guy via Classmates.com after my FI started to become really serious in the hope of getting some closure so that I can move on from this high school guy. After 12 years of no contact, this guy wrote back and we had a quick exchange in which he took responsibilty for how badly things went and I felt at peace. That was almost a year ago since I e-mailed this guy but I guess I have not had closer if this guy is still in my dreams. In my dreams, I am trying to get his attention again like I did back in high school. I don't want to date this guy again or anything but I don't understand why he is on my mind again. I find it unsettling that I wake up in the morning feeling like I am back in high school because this guy is in my dreams again. Who wants to think about the guy that broke your heart years ago, espcailly when your getting married. Anyway, I was wondering if thinking about your past was a normal part of commiting yourself to someone for life or if I am for ever doomed of caring about this loser who broke my heart. I guess finding the love of my life doesn't completely erase the other loves of my life, like I thought it would. Anyway, I am struggling to make sense of it.
Sarah
posted by Sarah @ 7:51 AM
6 Comments:
I guess I thought about it over lunch and maybe in a weird way, I am dealing with the loss of my single status. When I was single I had many ups and downs in dating, which is so different form my emotionally stable relationship with my fiance. I guess it is better taht I deal with it now than after I am married.
(I keep trying to respond, but it's taking me a while because I don't really want my fiance to see it :))
I'm going to venture that I think this is completely normal... I still dream about my major ex, and even a friend I sort of dated in HS and fooled around with in college. The major ex completely broke my heart, although I managed to remain friends with him-he's even coming to the wedding- and I hate it when I dream about him. But I finally decided I can't control my dreams, and unless I choose to read into them or put significance on them, they're just something that happened when I wasn't really doing the thinking. I also dream about purple rabbits talking to me, and about people I've never even met, and about a million other things.... if I don't put any significance on those things, I'm not going to screw myself up and put significance on the dreams about people I do know either.
It's tough to realize you're about to commit to forever with just one person, especially when you feel like you've got some unfinished business with some others. I think it's perfectly okay, and that this may be your brain's way of working out those unfinished feelings. Unless you start to really have doubts/concerns in your waking hours, I say just let sleeping dreams lie.
If you're really concerned, there's no shame in talking to a professional. My girlfriend was seeing a psychologist for a while after a guy she dated really f-ed her up, psychologically speaking, and it helped her a lot.
Oh Sarah. You have so many more wonderful things to worry about, like what color napkins to put on the tables and what type of flowers you want the flower girl to carry or how you want to wear your hair. Don't worry about your dreams! I dreamed the other night I married someone and I have no idea who the guy was. I even thought about someone I dated in high school while Bob and I were crossing the Bourne Bridge to go home last night, because we always used to bike ride along the Canal. It doesn't matter. I'm still walking down the aisle exactly 2 months from today, and the man standing at the other end of that aisle is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life.
This guy is part of your past and there's no getting rid of that, so he'll come in and out of your dreams every so often, just like Cara's purple rabbit ;-) If only we could erase the memory of exes from our brains like that Jim Carey movie a few years back.
Cara, Kelli, and Jennifer,
Thanks for the feedback. I know it sounds crazy but I was starting to obsess over this guy after the dreams, which led to more dreams. Thank you all for not making me feel crazy about it or that there is something wrong in my relationship :) As crazy as it sounds, I think I will miss the highs and lows of crushes. However, what I have now is what I always dreamed about back when I was experiencing those highs and lows with those other guys.
It's weird but before Mike, I was always the single girl or the girl who was unlucky in love. Now that I am engaged, the shift in my relationship status happened before my mindset did. Kelli, I love that movie "Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind" and I think I should see it again.
Thanks again girls,
Sarah
Sarah- Those dreams don't go away. I have been married almost three years and once in awhile I still get those dreams that include my ex- who happens to be my first love. Old loves die hard, but I know that it is just a dream. It's weird because I never had those dreams while I was with my now husband. But now that I am married and 100 % committed, those dreams started happening. You just have to realize if you want to believe in those types of dreams or not. It is completely normal. I know my husband still has dreams about exes who have hurt him. But we don't dwell on it. A dream is a dream unless you act on it. Good luck and don't let this get in the way of your planning the most wonderful day of you and your fiance's life!
Sarah,
Onward with the planning! Keep your mind busy, I have had glimpses and dreams of past loves, and crushes, and know that my fiance is the ONE. Hey it happens. We are getting married, we aren't dead!! Don't let it worry you, don't read too much into it, you know in your heart you made the right decision!
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